THE BELATED JOY OF REJECTION
Naïve. Impressionable. Shy. Reserved. Immature. Subject to hype. These described me. And the hype was that social life revolved around fraternities. In fact, life at UVA revolved around fraternities.
To be rejected in a romantic relationship is one thing. To be rejected by an entire fraternity is another. I knew it was coming. The fraternity men were making the rounds of the McCormick Road dorms to hand out bids to their respective fraternities. There would be no knocking at my door, but only the deafening silence of rejection. For reasons unknown the brothers of the fraternity I had wanted to join had rejected me. It was a stomach-churning feeling. It was one of the worst days of my life at that time, and one of the worst days of my time at the University. (There is the long-standing issue of how fraternities select their members. That is an article for another day.)
Rejection is tough. It is a disaffirmation of oneself. One feels unworthy. From a relationship, a job, running for office, whatever. Then one has to face those who rejected you as well as those you know were accepted. Nothing to say. Nothing you can do. A dream shattered. I did approach a brother in the fraternity with whom I had developed some form of friendship. What happened? He couldn’t tell me or wouldn’t tell me. Was I truly that much of a nerd? Here is where I could have used some counseling. So it goes.
As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. I would never be in a fraternity, which I considered a natural and integral part of the college experience. I thought I was destined to be a “fraternity man”—whatever that meant. I saw myself partying with brothers, establishing life-long friendships, bonding and the rest. I was in a group in high school. We performed community service projects. We brought in speakers on various subjects. We had some parties. Those guys were my friends. We shared common goals. We bonded as teenagers do. Our group was part of a national service organization. We were the male counterpart. It was the closest thing to being in a fraternity.
So one day while home for the holidays, a friend approached me at a party. Was I in a fraternity? If not, would I be interested in starting one? Sigma Alpha Mu was interested in starting a chapter at UVA. It has been in existence since 1909, founded by eight men, with its first chapter at The City College of New York. I had no thought of starting a fraternity. While I went to fraternity parties, the unwanted guest, I always felt the outsider, wondering what it would be like to be one of them, but resigning myself to the inevitable.
My college experience to that point was the aura of being a student at Virginia. The poem, The Honor Men, by James Hay, Jr., resonates with me. I came to college for an education ultimately and a path to a career. I did participate in extracurricular activities. Here I plug The Illimitable Freedom of the Human Mind by Andrew J. O’Shaughnessy. I wish this wonderfully written and meticulously researched book had been in existence before I became a student. I am convinced it would have enhanced my experience and appreciation of the University and Thomas Jefferson.
I forgot that encounter with my friend. A month or so passed before I was contacted by a field secretary for SAM. He asked if I could get some students together with the idea of forming a SAM chapter. Was this a challenge I wanted to pursue? I had accepted the status quo. I figured I had little to lose and began asking. To my delightful surprise, I found terrific guys, who were not in a fraternity, but liked the idea. One thing led to another, and we became a group of eight and a colony of about 30. On December 8, 1968 we were installed as Beta Psi chapter of Sigma Alpha Mu. Ironically, the fraternity I had so much wanted to join is no longer in existence at Virginia and nationally merged into another national fraternity.
Those were exciting and frightening times, because I wondered if the commitment would last. We had the trials and tribulations of learning of how to form and build a fraternity. Writing by-laws. Holding meetings. Finding more like-minded men, willing to accept the challenges. We had no house. The one we tried to rent failed. We had no money. We had a dream. A mission?
We performed community service. We stressed academics. The Cavalier Daily published the academic GPAs of the fraternities. The first time we qualified to be listed our brotherhood came in third and the pledge class came in first. Yes, we held parties.. No band. A juke box. But more importantly, we believed in the spirit of fraternalism, and we developed deep friendships and strong feelings of brotherhood. It just happened. These men were and are to this day my brothers, and those that followed. Then and now I care about them and for them. Our fraternity was not a club. We were so much more. And, to top it off, we were Wahoos!
I saw leadership skills develop. I saw compassion about an ideal. I saw care and concern that I had never experienced before. Young men, who rarely voiced their opinions, suddenly became outspoken, about the fraternity and our future and what it meant to be in the fraternity. It was surreal. In a recent issue of Time magazine, Congressman Hakeem Jeffries (D-N.Y.), minority leader of the House, credits his college fraternity for preparing him for leadership.
I read Envision (Fall 2022), the UVA magazine that “illustrates the power of philanthropy by showing the many ways alumni, parents and friends demonstrate their devotion to—and play a vital role in the life of this institution.” It highlighted a number of people, who made significant monetary contributions to the school. My interest was how they developed their friendships while at the University. One couple met and later married. He worked on the school paper while she became involved in student government. Others formed their friendships through sports. Near the end of this edition, it highlighted an alumnus, who was an “advocate for the UVA Greek system.” So I am not alone in my fraternal journey at UVA.
Yet, maybe I failed to look at what else the University had to offer. Maybe I was misguided by my focus on fraternities. I did join the debate team, which was rewarding and challenging. I had a great debate partner. Our relationship, however, did not go beyond the team. I pulled out my edition of Corks ‘N’ Curls, the yearbook, to see what I may have missed. I looked at the pictures of the clubs as well as the names of my classmates and the lists of their activities. I still do not know what the Lawn Chowder and Marching Society, Raven Society, Plume & Sword and P-K Dance Society do. I am uncertain which ones still exist. I do note that many of my classmates had Greek letters by their names, indicating their fraternity affiliations.
Tragic events have occurred in fraternities. The fraternity system is not a perfect institution. When fraternities fail, they should be punished; although, collective punishment does not seem fair. On the other hand, when they do good deeds, they are rarely recognized. I have read a number of studies on fraternities and their effects on colleges and students, including scholarship, extracurricular activities, socialization, diversity, commitment to their alma maters, and the list goes on. I read True Gentlemen: The Broken Pledge of America’s Fraternities by John Hechinger. He carefully researched one national fraternity and came to the conclusion that fraternities are not a credit to society. My humble conclusion is that fraternities are an asset to their members, the community and their alma maters. I am clearly bias, but the evidence is that fraternities serve the common good. Admittedly, they are not for everyone, and those who join will have varying experiences.
Fraternities continue to evolve. They continue to strive for improvement. As they do so, they only improve the quality of the experiences of their members and everything around them. When I recall my days at Virginia, my fondest and dearest memories are not sitting in a classroom nor going to sporting events (They were fun.). Of course, just being at UVA was memorable. They were the times with my fraternity brothers. Did I in the end become a fraternity man, still wondering what that really means? All I really know and believe is that the experience was a positive one and I believe made me a better person. I also believe fraternities make UVA a greater university.
On August 1, 2018, President James Ryan became the ninth president of UVA. That weekend over one hundred brothers of its over 850 brothers of Beta Psi of Sigma Alpha Mu since its founding in 1968 were in Charlottesville to celebrate its 50th anniversary!
stan m. lefco march 9, 2023
